Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
