Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
