True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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