So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
