i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
