I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize