I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
