I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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