the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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