What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
this hospital has no fireball
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
