I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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