Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
All I want is dick and wine.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
