I didn't shave. On purpose
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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