Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
