you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
