Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
