Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
