woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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