why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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