what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
