My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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