I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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