I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
