After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
