I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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