I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
