I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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