She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
