she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
