I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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