I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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