you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
