My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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