A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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