apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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