she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
