dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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