I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
