I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
