My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Michael Bay diarrhea
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
