he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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