You don't have asthma, your pregnant
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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