I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
