If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
