I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
