I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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