before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
