her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
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