Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
