Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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