For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
