The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
