I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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