the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
