you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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