Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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