what day is it and did you see me today?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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