who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
