He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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