Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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