If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
