I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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